THE CHEESE WHIZARD

Los Angeles has plenty to talk about.

Ned Colletti, The Dodgers’ GM, and Scott Boras, Satan’s personal assistant and Manny Ramirez’s agent, are locked up in an old fashioned game of “Remember when you screwed us on the J.D Drew deal?” And it’s just oozing with testosterone.

This morning, on ESPN Radio, Colletti said, “I haven’t talked to Scott this morning…but I’m sure I’ll hear from him on Christmas day.”

This afternoon The Dodgers pulled their offer off the table. Don’t look for this one to end anytime soon.

But, Manny or not, The Dodgers are looking to spend money, and that’s exciting.

The Lakers are good. Great, even. Some say 70-wins-great. That is yet to be seen.

What is plain to see however is that the addition of Andrew Bynum is taking the defensive pressure off of Pau Gasol (averaging 15.5 ppg). And, the combination of Odom, Radmonovich, Farmar, Walton and Vujacic (the Lakers’ bench) could probably win half of their games as a starting 5.

The Angels are making big moves.

UCLA basketball, despite an early season scare from Miami (OH) is ranked 4th in the coaches poll, and is loaded with talent.

The northwest winter swell is rolling into Malibu, and Southern California’s coastal waters are packed with the world’s best surfers.

Gossip Girl is hot.

Warren Sapp doing the Tango is way hotter.


So, why on earth? Why, is it? WHY, I ask you? Why must Los Angeles spend every waking minute pining over every last minute detail of USC Trojans Football?!?!



As I sat there watching this team get out-thought, out-coached, out-manned, out-hustled, and flat out out-played by Stanford for three quarters of their game today, I couldn’t help but think to myself, “This is a mediocre USC team.”

This isn’t a mediocre team. This is a mediocre USC team.

The defense is the best in the country. No question. Before the game today, they were giving up an average of 6 points per game. They had only given up 7 touchdowns. The next best team in that category had given up 13 – almost twice as many.

But this is a team searching for an offensive identity.

This is a team ranked 21st and 24th respectively in rushing offense and passing offense. They’re ranked 15th amongst scoring offenses in the country.

This is a team that is without the Lendale White/Reggie Bush backfield combo of 2004. When the 2004 team defined itself as a running machine, the White/Bush tandem ran for 2011 yards. The best the 2008 squad can muster is a combined 943 yards from C.J. Gable and Stafon Johnson.

This team is without a go-to receiver like Dwayne Jarret, Steve Smith or Mike Williams. When this was an offense with an aeronautics nametag in 2003, Williams caught for over 1300 yards. Another Williams, Damian, leads the 2008 team with 518 receiving yards.

This is a team that lost to Oregon State, had trouble with Arizona, crawled past Cal, and barely outlasted Stanford (the 22 point margin is an aberration).

This isn’t some great story about an underdog, or a phoenix rising from the ashes. This is a story about the perennial favorite; the 6-time national champion; and the schoolyard bully. But this year the bully didn’t get picked to play and so he has to sit on the side and watch.

For USC to make it to the BCS National Championship, at least 4 of the following 5 teams must fall.

1. Alabama…must lose to Auburn next week, or to Florida in the SEC Championship. And, even if they lose a close game to Florida, there is no guarantee that they’ll fall below USC at the 6 spot.

2. Texas Tech…must lose to Oklahoma next week, or to Mizzou in the Big 12 Championship. Despite their enormously exciting offense, and the best college football player in the country, in Michael Crabtree, Texas Tech seems to be the most likely of these teams to fall.

3. Texas…must lose to Arkansas or to Texas A&M. Texas will not play in the BIG 12 Championship because of their head-to-head loss to Texas Tech, and this could be their saving grace. Colt McCoy is still the Heisman leader, and every coach with a ranking sheet knows that.

4. Oklahoma…must lose to Texas Tech next week, or Oklahoma State the week after, or to Mizzou in the Big 12 Championship. If Bob Stoops can coach them to three wins through that stretch, this team will play in the BCS National Championship game.

5. Florida…must stop being the best team in the country. Florida tackles The Citadel, and a Florida State team (that just lost to Boston College), before going at it with #1 ranked Alabama in the SEC Championship. If they win those three games (and they will), The Gators would even leap frog a one-loss Texas team and play for the National Championship.

So, if you’re a USC football fan, you can do one of two things.

Your first option is to sit here and pray that everyone else chokes. You can hinge your every breath on the demise of everything that has been good in college football this year. You can hold on for dear life and hope that this mediocre Trojan team can falsely recreate the excellence of 2003, 2004 and four other terrific seasons.

Or, you can stop being ridiculous, enjoy what the SEC and BIG 12 have to offer, and buy a ticket or two if the NFL ever gives you another shot at a professional football team.